My plan to buy a barrister’s wig is in serious trouble.

Do you want to be, like Barack Obama, a “citizen of the world,” but find yourself bound by your paltry unitary national citizenship?  Would you like to give your passport a little upgrade?

If you’re looking to pick up some international dual-citizenship status, you’ve come to the right place; here are a collection of mildly authentic representations of citizenship tests from around the world:

• American Citizenship Test (20 questions in English)
• American Citizenship Test (19 Questions in English)
• Australian Citizenship Test (20 questions in English)
• Austrian Citizenship Test (German PDF, not an online test)
• British Citizenship Test (14 questions in English)
• Canadian Citizenship Test (between 5 and 100 questions in English)
• French Citizenship Test (10 questions without answers in English)
• German Citizenship Test (10 questions in English)
• Mexican Citizenship Test (Spanish PDF, not an online test)

Are there any more online?  Am I missing any?  There’s a Dutch test, but I can’t seem to find any questions online.

After a surprisingly long period of research, I’ve found what appears to be the only option for purchasing an authentic barrister’s wig: the very Harry Potter-esque Ede and Ravenscroft of Chancery Lane. The lowest tier wig (above) costs £495.00 and is all sorts of awesome.

I’m going to buy one and wear it around my house while I watch TV and eat Cheetos.

The frizz-top wig is better, but it costs £1775.00 and my budget for humorous wig purchases doesn’t stretch QUITE that far.

One of the more frustrating things about British English is the occasional use of completely nonsensical rhyming slang. Wikipedia was kind enough to kick in a few example/definitions:

* porkies = pork pies = lies
* apples = apples and pears = stairs
* Barnet = Barnet Fair = hair
* brass = brass nail = “tail” = prostitute
* bristols = Bristol Cities = titties = breasts
* dog = dog and bone = telephone
* jam = jam jar = car
* water = water bottle = throttle
* china = china plate = mate
* pony = pony and trap = crap
* saucepan = saucepan lid = kid
* frog = frog and toad = road
* Rosie = Rosie Lee = tea/gypsy
* Ruby = Ruby Murray = Curry
* J. Arthur = J. Arthur Rank = bank/wank
* trouble = trouble and strife = wife
* Tom = Tom Tit = shit
* tom = tomfoolery = jewellery
* skin = skin and blister = sister
* Listerine = Anti Septic = Septic Tank = Yank = American (From The U.S.A.)

There really was no way to figure this out on your own.

I wish I were British:

Save the Wig! “Various types have been threatening to abolish barristers’ wigs for decades. But to my dismay, I learned last night that the Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales has resolved to abolish wigs in all civil courts in England and Wales. Voice your opposition.”

Perhaps those in opposition to wig abolishment want to ensure they continue to be recognized as barristers rather than solicitors, for reasons set forth by the next group.

“Barristers are better than solicitors in every conceivable way” group. “On the one hand you have barristers- dashing, glamorous, obscenely intelligent and effortlessly classy. Daily they stride forth, fearless and proud, to fight tirelessly for justice, freedom and the underdog, while nobly robed in wig and gown, which may be archaic, yet remain oddly alluring. The pitiful masses can only gaze in admiration as counsel hoist aloft their verbal lances, and engage in their rhetorical joust, intent only on victory (and on getting the £50 fee for some shitty bail application).

And on the other side you have solicitors- squinty eyed, sallow skinned desk monkeys. Clothed in their cheap, sensible suits, boasting less charisma than a volume of the white book, and more often than not impotent. Essentially glorified secretaries, these bastards still for reasons unbeknown to any reasonable man receive sickeningly generous training contracts, before starting work on a salary which would give the average pupil a wet dream. But this is clearly only a comfort blanket, a pathetic attempt to numb the awe and envy we know they all feel for their glorious legal brethren at the Bar.”

Thanks Lorelei.

Britain’s space agency rejects all human space flight. Who knew?

Europe, England, Windsor Castle

Europe, England, London, Westminster (2002)

Europe, England, Trafalger Square (2002)

Europe, England, Tower of London (2002)

Europe, England, Thames River (2002)

Europe, England, Oxford (2002)

Europe, England, Leeds Castle (2002)

Europe, England, Knightsbridge (2002)

Europe, England, Dover (2002)

Europe, England, Camden Town (2002)

During my recent trip to London I attempted to visit the Tate Modern but was rebuffed by a confusing security guard who wouldn’t let us go up the elevator and wouldn’t explain why not.

At the time they were constructing a new centerpiece installation which turns out to have been Shibboleth (or, Doris’s Crack, after its creator Doris Salcedo).

The 550 foot long, 10 inch wide crack runs most of the length of the ground floor of the museum and symbolizes… you know… immigration or something. Anyway, people have been toppling into the thing, including at least one woman who believed it was painted on. Whoops! She must have been thinking of these.

In reading someone else’s September 11th memories, I was reminded of my own.

I was in London on September 11th, 2001 going through a science museum with another American. At first we noticed that people had begun whispering urgently. Then my friend received a voicemail attempting to indicate what had happened. I dismissed the voicemail story as sounding overdramatic and unlikely. Eventually, after giving up on actually looking at the museum, we found a television set in a stairwell set to an international variant of CNN, but without sound. This was more confusing than helpful.

When people heard our accents, they quickly asked if we had heard what had happened “in your country?”

On the way out of the museum I noticed that the staff had begun checking bags which they hadn’t been doing when we entered. They changed their security procedures fast.

My British home, at that point, didn’t have a television or the internet, so we set out to find the closest place that had a television with sound. We ended up sitting in a Chinese food restaurant that seemed none-too-happy to have us there. I ordered two sodas.

Eventually I tried to call back to America to see if I could get in touch with my family. The operator told me there was nothing she could do to help me.

We eventually found an internet cafe and sat there for hours.

The next day, out on some errand or another, I think on Tottenham Court Road, I saw a man walking down the street, slowly and seriously, carrying an enormous American flag. At the time I wanted to go walk behind him, but I didn’t.

I wish I had.

Visit and discover Dorking.

I don’t know why, because new music isn’t really my thing, but I’ve heard two British songs in the last few days that have been running through my head.

That’s Not My Name by the Ting Tings:

Wanna Be by Dizzee Rascal and Lilly Allen:

So, like, am I cool now?

Does the fact that all the London/Glasgow plotters were employed by the British health care system impact any of Michael Moore’s arguments in Sicko?

My pictures from my recent trip to London are now online. Here’s a few to whet your whistle:

There’s a lot more on in the actual gallery. I’ve also finally posted all my old pictures from my previous time in London during 2001/2002.

Someone please tell me what a humped pelican crossing is.

Something that was striking when I moved to L.A. was that when first trying to get around, you immediately felt like you knew where you were going. After a few cross-town trips I realized that it was because I already knew all the street names. Pop culture somehow prepared me for the move. I’ve been thinking about this, and L.A. seems to top the world in terms of famous, name-recognizable streets. Here’s all that I can think of off the top of my head:

Los Angeles:
Santa Monica Boulevard
Wilshire Boulevard
Hollywood Boulevard
Sunset Boulevard
Palms Boulevard
Mulholland Drive
Vine Street
Melrose Avenue
Rodeo Drive
Venice Boulevard
Ventura Boulevard

New York:
Wall Street
Broadway
Canal Street
Park Avenue
42nd Street
Bleeker Street
Fifth Avenue
Madison Avenue

Boston:
Newbury Street

New Orleans:
Bourbon Street

Chicago:
Lakeshore Drive

Philadelphia:
South Street

San Francisco:
Castro Street
Haight Street
Lombard Street

Paris:
Champs Elysees

London:
Abbey Road
Downing Street
Oxford Street

I’m sure Los Angeles does so well because every TV show and movie is filmed and written here, so the streets just show up a lot. It’s a weird phenomenon though, where you arrive in the city and already feel like you have a vague understanding of it.

Is it just because I’m an American that I can only think of a few famous foreign streets? Do Americans somehow value streets more than non-Americans do?

We need some more famous streets.

At the Tower of London there was a 62 gun salute for a royal family member’s birthday. Here are two of the 62: